Category Archives: The List

Option #2: Become a Baker

Has everyone seen “Stranger Than Fiction”? If so, you know the only reason I would ever, EVER want to become a baker is because of Maggie Gyllenhaal. I’m not going to tell you that she was hot in that movie because well, that’s a given (come on, it’s Maggie!!!)… but also, I am trying not to be dirty today… for some reason… I don’t know why(ish).

Anyway, seeing as I’m currently hating life in Touristville, and my plan for the future may not be working out exactly as I had hoped, I am devising strategems  – things I can do to make my life better. Things that would never in a million years happen. Things I don’t even necessarily want to happen. Things that are fun and crazy and fictional.

My first idea was to be in a  rather odd movie with Scarlett Johannson and Steve Buscemi. Which would have been brilliant, to say the least.

However, my second idea is a little more humble… as it is, as previously stated, to be a baker.

But not just any baker… a baker like Maggie Gyllenhaal’s Ana. A smart, sexy baker who own her own bakery (and again, this is not porn…) A baker with tattoo’s on her arm and a penchant for ratty tank-tops… a baker who can somehow make seriously mundane things sound incredibly seductive…

Damnit! I said I wasn’t going to be dirty today! Clearly, I picked the wrong scenario…

Anyway, there is a fly in the ointment of this plan already, because you see I failed to mention something pretty important – I can’t bake. Well, I can bake a little. Simple things. Things like chocolate chip cookies, who’s chocolate chip cookie bags come packaged with the recipe and baking instructions conveniently displayed on the back of the bag.

Okay, I lied… I can’t make “things like chocolate chip cookies”, I can only make the god-damned CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES!  And even those took me about four years to master. I just kept burning them… or something would go wrong and they’d end up melting all over the pan. Anyway, the point is is that I am probably going to have to be able to make a whole hell of a lot more than a single type of cookie (made with a store-bought recipe) to be able to keep my business afloat… or to even start the business in the first place.

But no matter, I figure I can just hire other people to do the work for me… small people, easily disguised as decorative additions to the aesthetic of the bakery… and I can just do things like talk to the customers, mix bowls of stuff, and yell at the tax man.

Sounds simple enough, doesn’t it?

Right, well this plan was a fail from the start… I will have to think of something better for tomorrow. In the meantime, suggestions are encouraged… as are offerings of a place to sleep should I completely fail out of life.

Bye for now! Here’s hoping all your lives currently have more promise than this plan does!



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Option #1: Me, Scarlett, and Buscemi get caught in the rain

So, as I was saying… life is not going all that great right now. School is beyond me, or I am beyond it (not likely…), and it’s entirely possible that the very well thought-out plan I had devised to improve my life is going to fail. So… I am scheming. What follows is the first of many ideas I have come up with in order to become a success (or something) in this life.

Has anyone seen Ghost World? If not… it’s amazing, go watch it! If yes… then you understand my deep, un-ending affection for one Steve Buscemi. (I thought I’d found him on Twitter the other night and I nearly died… of happiness.) Ghost World is a great “indie classic” for many reasons, but it would simply not have been the same without Buscemi. He is amazing.

Also, if you have seen Ghost World, you know that Scarlett Johannson is one of the stars (alongside the heart of the movie, Thora Birch). In this movie, Scarlett is young and, admittedly, not at her best. Or, at least, not as effing HOT as she is now. (On a side note: why is it that most of my friends scream at me that she is disgusting every time I bring her up? And, to quote Ben, “Who can I tell about this to make it stop?”) But this is beside the point. The point of course being, it is time for a little Scarlett-Buscemi reunion. Because I love them both. And everything should be as I say it should be. Because I say so.

But see, as freaking AMAZING as a movie with the always hilarious Buscemi AND the ever glorious Scarlett would be, it really doesn’t solve the problem that is my life. Unless, of course, I am in the movie…

I figure it will start out as a love triangle between me, Scarlett and Buscemi, in which Buscemi is attempting to weigh the pro’s and cons of being with either me or Scarlett. (Why does he assume he can have either of us?… I don’t know… I’ll have to work that out later.) Aaanywaaay… So Buscemi is attempting to decide between me and Scarlett, and naturally leaning towards Scarlett (because she is insanely hot… clearly!), meanwhile, me and Scarlett are totally getting it on. I actually have this very nice scene planned out in my head: close-frame of the two of us, I push her hair away from her face and shoulders, the sun is shining on our faces, and I slowly lean in and kiss her lovely, full lips…

At some piont Buscemi finds out about this, and he is furious. For about five seconds… until he thinks “threesome!” When he confronts us with this idea (on one of our usual walks out in the park) Scarlett and I are OUTRAGED. How could he just assume that we wanted to sleep with him?! Was he crazy?! etc. Then it starts raining and Buscmi gets to do this wicked-awesome (but appropriately short) speech about how women are so superficial, and if he looked more like… I don’t know, that sweaty-looking vampire kid, we would be all over him! Did we really feel nothing for him? etc. So then we all start yelling at each other and eventually someone gets to point out the obvious, that it is raining and this is all ridiculous, and Buscemi, of course we want you, you are hilarious, but it’s just going to be sex and it’s not going to last, and are you really truly okay with that? And then of course he is okay with that, so we all run inside Buscemi’s apartment and start tearing wet clothing off eachother… and it’s all very hot… and hilarious. Its all hot (Scarlett) and hilarious (Buscemi) and so much better than it would otherwise be if there was not a third person (me).

In the end, I am thinking it will be one of those great under-stated movies – adored by the critics, but only released to select theaters… and subsequently will make hardly any money. Which will suck. But it will be enough to get my name out there(ish) and give me more opportunities for further movie sluttiness… I mean, acting.

In the words of Bridgett Jones, “Good plan!”


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