Has everyone seen “Stranger Than Fiction”? If so, you know the only reason I would ever, EVER want to become a baker is because of Maggie Gyllenhaal. I’m not going to tell you that she was hot in that movie because well, that’s a given (come on, it’s Maggie!!!)… but also, I am trying not to be dirty today… for some reason… I don’t know why(ish).
Anyway, seeing as I’m currently hating life in Touristville, and my plan for the future may not be working out exactly as I had hoped, I am devising strategems – things I can do to make my life better. Things that would never in a million years happen. Things I don’t even necessarily want to happen. Things that are fun and crazy and fictional.
My first idea was to be in a rather odd movie with Scarlett Johannson and Steve Buscemi. Which would have been brilliant, to say the least.
However, my second idea is a little more humble… as it is, as previously stated, to be a baker.
But not just any baker… a baker like Maggie Gyllenhaal’s Ana. A smart, sexy baker who own her own bakery (and again, this is not porn…) A baker with tattoo’s on her arm and a penchant for ratty tank-tops… a baker who can somehow make seriously mundane things sound incredibly seductive…
Damnit! I said I wasn’t going to be dirty today! Clearly, I picked the wrong scenario…
Anyway, there is a fly in the ointment of this plan already, because you see I failed to mention something pretty important – I can’t bake. Well, I can bake a little. Simple things. Things like chocolate chip cookies, who’s chocolate chip cookie bags come packaged with the recipe and baking instructions conveniently displayed on the back of the bag.
Okay, I lied… I can’t make “things like chocolate chip cookies”, I can only make the god-damned CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES! And even those took me about four years to master. I just kept burning them… or something would go wrong and they’d end up melting all over the pan. Anyway, the point is is that I am probably going to have to be able to make a whole hell of a lot more than a single type of cookie (made with a store-bought recipe) to be able to keep my business afloat… or to even start the business in the first place.
But no matter, I figure I can just hire other people to do the work for me… small people, easily disguised as decorative additions to the aesthetic of the bakery… and I can just do things like talk to the customers, mix bowls of stuff, and yell at the tax man.
Sounds simple enough, doesn’t it?
Right, well this plan was a fail from the start… I will have to think of something better for tomorrow. In the meantime, suggestions are encouraged… as are offerings of a place to sleep should I completely fail out of life.
Bye for now! Here’s hoping all your lives currently have more promise than this plan does!