Dear Chuck Bass,
What in the world are we going to do with you?
I mean, seriously? First you fucked your best friends ex-girlfriend, then you tried to black-mail her when she got back together with said friend… then they broke up, the two of you fucked some more (or was it before the breakup?) and somewhere along the line, she fell in love with you. And, oh yeah, you were head-over-heels, psychotically in love with her as well!!! But you screwed that up, didn’t you? Yes, you did… because that is what you do. Now she is back together with your friend and you are just lonely and depressed as always.
I could sit here and congratulate you on such a fine job, reprimand you for being so classically stupid – but I love you, so I’m going to help. Let’s take a look at why this happened. Not what happened, as you’re already well aware of that yourself, but why it did. Maybe then you can actually have a shot at being happy… you know, someday.
Reason #1 why you screwed up your own life: You’re a masochist
It’s true. Being one of the top pleasure-seekers of this great world, you wouldn’t necessarily expect this – but there it is: daddy didn’t love you, you blamed yourself for your mother’s death, and let’s face it – you are clearly a British man pretending to have an American accent (it’s a damn good accent, but still… you should be ashamed.)
Because of all these ugly little details, you have been sub-consciously convinced that you are unloveable, and for quite some time now. The only reason it is now coming to light is because you couldn’t stand to let Blair love you. Even though she is clearly hot. Which brings me to reason #2….
Reason #2 why you screwed up your own life: You’re a slut
I know, i know, it’s a bit of a harsh term… but for the sake of keeping this monologue interesting, we’re going to use it anyway. You like to whore it up, let’s be honest. And why wouldn’t you? You’re hot, you’re human, and according to you, you have “great stamina.” I don’t blame you. I really, really don’t. (I’ve seen the girls you date, and what can I say… hot! And clearly slutty, so you’re not really breaking any hearts there.)
But the thing is, I think all this handing it out is actually doing you some damage… And not just because of the wide range of STD’s you could have been exposed to, or the probability of your having a few children you don’t know about. After all, when you were about to fly off to (I can’t remember where) with Blair and actually be happy for once in your life, all your father had to do was say something like, “You know son, you really are going to miss getting all that ass” for you to change your mind. Which would be fine(ish), except that your mind wasn’t really changed. Because when Blair came back, you were clearly sorry. You begged her to forgive you (in your own clearly British way), and oh yeah – you cried! We all saw you, don’t even try to deny it! (But don’t worry, it was hot. And human, which it turns out looks good on you.)
But she didn’t forgive you right away, so the two of you played a rather twisted game of cat and mouse, and at this point I can’t even remember if you were ever together or not. So we digress… and I believe this will be the last reason because it sums it all up nicely. And because really, I can’t be bothered. I love you, but this letter is getting out of hand.
Reason #3 why you screwed up your own life (this would be the last reason, so pay attention): You can’t be happy
You don’t know how. But like anything my dear, sweet Chuck, all it takes is practice. So tomorrow, I want you to get up, sing show-tunes in the shower, and dance like you just don’t care. Laugh at yourself, you’re funny! Those suits, they were ridiculous! (But awesome. Seriously.) And your love life, it’s appalling! But guess what? That can be funny too!
You’re a Brit (don’t try to deny it) so the comedy bit should come fairly easy to you. Just remember, a snicker is not a laugh… and a smirk is not a smile. Take notes from fellow Englishman Robert Pattinson and smile with your whole face… and laugh with reckless abandon. Trust me, it’s better this way.
Oh, and Chuck? Stop putting so much gel in your hair, okay? It’s gross.
P.S. Watch out for Little J… she may say she hates you, but those lingering glances do not lie!