I have a secret.
It’s really, truly terrible… so terrible in fact, that I can barely stand to tell you about it. (So don’t tell anyone, OK?! I mean, don’t tell anyone if, on the off-chance that you are like Riddle’s journal, you actually do have that power.)
Okay, here it is…
I think I may have low self-esteem.
I know, I know! Low self-esteem?! What the hell? I thought we were banning that word, not to mention everything it stands for! Yes, yes – so did I.
But today, as I was attempting to fight off the boredom that necessarily accompanies just about every single day at work, I found myself in a rather low emotional state. Of course this would be because my hair didn’t look right, my work shirt makes me look about 3 sizes bigger than I am, etc. (or maybe just because I am a girl, and we are cursed), but all of a sudden it hit me… I may just be one of those girls.
You know, the girls that somehow wind up thinking they look fat and unattractive even though everyone they know would tell them otherwise? The girls that subsequently become convinced that they are boring and expendable and that because of this they will never find true love? Yeah, well, as ashamed as I am to admit it… that is actually exactly how I felt today.
Which is ridiculous.
I mean, how did this happen?! I’ve been so busy trying to talk my friends out of their self-esteem issues that it didn’t even occur to me to be on the lookout for my own! If I think about it though, they have always been there… I just chose to ignore them. And for good reason. Because being aware of these things, though enlightening, is a real pain in the ass!
And it’s not as if I can blame anyone either… these issues are my own, and only I can defeat them! Though, like anyone, I find myself looking for validation… and thinking truly heinous things, such as “Maybe if I just lose some weight/ grow my hair out/ buy better clothes, I won’t feel this way anymore.” But I know better. My appearance is not the problem. The problem exists within my mind. The problem is not in how I am viewed by the world, but in how I choose to view myself. The problem is in failing to see my own value. The problem is in letting there be a problem in the first place!
So really, dear diary, it is up to me. I am the only one who is judging myself this way, and I am the only one who can put an end to this judgement. I must be stronger than this. I must be stronger than this for myself.
And, right – I must not think that having a boyfriend would solve any of this…