Monthly Archives: May 2010

Getting What You Don’t Want and Where to Put It

Confession: Sometimes I read this blog when I am bored. (And you can’t judge me for that – look! You’re doing it right now!) And sometimes, more like most of the time these days, I am nothing short of horrified. However, being the complete and utter saint that I so clearly am, I have decided to turn my chagrin into a helpful guide for the easily tempted. Read it, and avoid a similar fate.

The Rules for Blogging Anonymously:

1. Ask yourself a simple question: Do I want this blog to be anonymous? Yes? OK. Pick an assumed name, create an e-mail account specifically for your blog, and continue.

2. Take into account which details of your writing could potentially blow your cover. Names of people, places, and events should probably be avoided. Choose an alternate name, or give people titles, such as “The BFF” or “That guy I accidentally stabbed to death that one time.”

3. Network through blogging communities using your assumed name only. Under no circumstances post an actual picture of yourself to these accounts.

4. Tell no one. If you’re going to keep this blog from getting back to you, it would probably be a good idea not to give the link out to any of your friends, co-workers, or family members. Remember that, as people, we are all essentially turncoats and will pass along the link to anyone who can give us a good enough reason to do so (i.e. anyone who even remotely suggests that they want to read it.)

5. Tread lightly and leave your big stick at home. When we are frustrated with people, we tend to exaggerate. And give details. And specific quotes. And lots of other things that leave very little to the imagination. We are trying to prove to the world that we are right in being upset, and we are usually (annoyingly, foolishly) relentless in our efforts to do so. Such behavior, in the blogging world, means that you are only moments away from being caught. Either that, or you have just recently realized that you were caught a long time ago, and are acting out in attempt to ease your own terrible mortification. (Or was that just me…?)

6. Don’t blog about people you are working with. Ever. JUST DON’T DO IT! Unless, of course, you are saying something nice. But let’s not forget that there is such a thing as too nice. And you should probably leave your sordid fantasies about your hot coworker out of it entirely. Even if he is asking for it. Even if you are asking for it. Even if – OH JUST SHUT UP ABOUT IT ALREADY!

*I swear to God, I am actually over this. But how else will I get the point across if not through over-dramatization of events long since past?*

And now we come to the second part of the Rules: What to do if you are caught.

1. First, don’t get caught.

2. When you do get caught, try to react appropriately. Laugh it off or apologize, but never confuse the two. Horrible Boss just discover the post in which you called him a wart-infested cretin capable of nothing and over-assuming in everything? Put on your humiliated face and apologize profusely. If he reads your post aloud, try not to laugh, even if you are hilarious. Hot Coworker confesses that he’s read about your incredibly distracting need to corner him in the storage room and snog his brains out (or worse)? Laugh. Apologize in a non-serious manner if you feel it’s necessary. Or, simply take him in the storage room and demonstrate what you were talking about. Either way, keep calm, don’t get angry that you’ve been discovered, and for the love of all that is holy, don’t write a post in which you tell everyone how much of a victim you are in this situation. You’re not. In fact, this is pretty much all your fault. And that’s what stings.

3. Once you’ve sufficiently calmed down, get in your car and drive to the nearest Barnes and Noble. Walk in and buy a journal. You are now done with blogging.


In fact, maybe you should just go out and get a journal right now! I know we’re all dying to be recognized and desperate for connection and blah, blah, blah… but since when did journaling become so out of fashion? Even if your little sister reads it and shows it to your parents and they freak the fuck out, at least no one at work will have ever heard of it. Right? Or hey, maybe you are so self-sufficient that you’ve achieved the rare privilege of living on your own. Even better! The point is, it is much better to have one book under the bed than a hundred posts swirling through cyber-space. Speaking of which, all those posts I now realize I should never have published in the first place? Deleted. Well, most of them anyway…



Filed under Horrifying everyday stuff

Can You Please Repeat the Question?

Can I just say?  OkCupid is seriously disturbing. And not just because of all the weirdos and freaks, Oh no! (And yes, I do realize that I would technically be one of the weirdos I am referring to.) But because for me, someone who has never been in a relationship before and is more than a little gun-shy with the whole getting-to-know-someone-to-see-if-they-are-a-potential-mate-type-person fiasco, deciding what I want, on the spot, and then putting it out there for all the world to see is a little… well… impossible.

The worst part of the whole scenario is the “questions” section, a never-ending survey in which you can not only select answers that match your political views and religious beliefs, but also rare treasures such as, “If someone wanted to put a collar on you and command you during sex, would you go for it?”  Or, “Say someone asked you to pull out a knife and bleed them whilst in the middle of full-throttle sex, would you do it?” Of course, these are both silly questions that should obviously be answered “No” unless you want a deranged lunatic for a boyfriend and later possibly a husband/cell-mate, but there are others that are less obvious. Questions like, “Would you ever consider an open relationship?” and “Would you date someone who didn’t want to have sex for at least 6 months?” Of course, being me, I have answered no to the first one and yes to the second. But do I really know? Not really. And what’s more is, I’m not so sure I want to know what answers a potential “match” has chosen either. Obviously I am glad there are ways of finding out who might be a psychotic killer on the loose, but other than that, isn’t mystery an essential part of the equation? If I’m going to be with someone, do I really need to know every detail of all their little kinks up front? The whole point of a relationship is that you decide to be with someone and then get to discover all the completely horrific things about them! Of course, the whole idea is to rule out the people who would be completely wrong for you and find the ones who would be… I dunno… nice to be with? But on the whole, given the option between knowing everything and knowing what you usually know when embarking on a relationship (which is, let’s face it, almost nothing), wouldn’t you choose something with a bit more… mystery?

In the end, I will be the last to know.

Leave a comment

Filed under Horrifying everyday stuff, Love